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Feeling guilty about scoring better than friend, he won't speak to me now

Asked by Male, 16, Single

After moving back to other place last year I made a friend in my society. As in we became closer. He used to call me his best friend, I didn't feel the same for him. He used to ask me all his doubts and used to share everything with me. We used to play football in the society, so I used to call him fat just for fun sometimes. Suddenly, one day he said you do not deserve to be friends with me, you're not worthy of my friendship, you're a creep and you're stupid. I literally begged for an apology. He still didn't give a shit and asked to fuck off from his life. It's been 3 months since that happened. I haven't been able to get him outta my mind because he makes me feel guilty till date. His behaviour changed towards me when I told him I wouldn't help him out with his entire portion. So probably his loyalty changed with his need, but I feel the guilt. Now, I feel in order to win back his friendship I should become like him and score lesser than him so that he'll feel nice and become friends with me again. I feel I do not have any right to focus towards my goal since he's a dumb ass so even I shall become like him and if I don't score lesser than him he'll feel bad. I feel my marks affect him a lot, and probably because of that he isn't friends with me any longer. So I've been thinking I shouldn't study well and downgrade myself. I've tried speaking to him but he's told me to fuck off, see me being an emotional fool I'm still stuck up with this shit, I want to know what should I do in this situation? Since then I haven't been able to get that guy out of my mind, more importantly I've been unable to focus on my stuff, I feel it's my duty to not make him feel bad, I feel guilty. Please help me out.

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Answer

Salma Prabhu

Clinical Psychologist

Answered over 4 years ago

Hey,

Thank you for writing for sorting this out. You seem to be really very disturbed with the way things have shaped up in this relationship.
Making friends and being social is a need of every individual. You did the same. Which was nice. Yes you did take it a little for granted by calling him names, but at your age, that is an accepted norm. I see on a daily basis my son and his friends calling names to each other. It is nice to see that kind of camaraderie. It is these kind of conversations which also build your inner strength.

However it was unfortunate that the person you call your friend does not seem to have valued your relationship. It is not you who is not worthy, it is him who has not valued, despite you apologising many times.
In fact he came into your life to let you understand that there are friends and there are acquaintances and there are people whom you just have to let go.

He belongs to the third category mentioned above. You have to let go, move on, use the delete button. You seem to be a sensible person if you have written on this site for a solution, therefore your thought process of lowering your grades and being like him to be accepted is definitely not a thought a person with your intelligence comes up.

At your age socialising is important and so is developing your personality, your individuality is important. You cannot lose your personality and individuality to get into the peer group. Yu are unique and if that is not valued and appreciated, I would say, let the person go.

This is not just for this time, but a lesson forever, your self respect is the pillar of your evolving and your personality.
Chill, focus in your studies, also join a hobby or a serious football coaching if u r keen, make new friends and always in life stay detachedly attached. The mantra of life is enjoy the moment, learn, evolve, become better, not worse, and respect and love yourself.

I am sure you shall attract a friend, who will respect and honor you as you respect and honor yourself.

With magical love

Salma

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