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I miss love and expression from my husband

Asked by Female, 29, Married

I am 29 years old doctor. Married since 2 years. Still feeling lack of love and chemistry between me and my husband. He is surgeon. We both are staying apart from pursuing our higher studies since 2 years. I actually can't count days we have spent together in these 2 years. He is practical man. He cares for me, always stood besides me in my exams and health issues. Lucky to have very loving in laws. A life of freedom and luxury. But 1 very important thing which I miss is love and expression from my husband. He speak less and not so social. I accepted that part of him. But than I fail to see the actions which can't tell me that he equally loves me and is excited to meet me or plan few things for us. He is never romantic nor does he responds to me being so. He says I am acting like kid and I am immature. And when I tell him about some of his action which hurted me than he will became angry and tell me that he need not prove himself to me or his love and that he is like that. And than follows a silent phase in which he will not talk to me and that had extended for 1 month too recently. He says I fight with him every week. And I hate this tag. Never ever he msged me or told me that he missed me being around him. I talk to my in laws regularly but he never understood that my parents also expects his call at times. Only on festival he will wish them. No bonding with my siblings. Although I never said this to him. Already bonding between me and him is lacking. I don't want expensive gifts or roses or cakes. Just his presence on important days of our life. And that is always missing. I value him as a person. He is a gem. But he doesn't bonds like a husband and soul mate. Emotional bonding is missing. I am sick all cycles of being normal and than again some issue which he feel I created because of me and my thinking of no feelings from his side. And I feel it will be better to take some action now rather than complicatin it further. Our parents feel we are breaking it for silly thing that doesn't matter. But for me it is very important. If other things are still problematic I can adjust with support of my husband. But when there is lack of love. I can't. I need some love romance and excitement in my life. Please guide me

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Answer

Sneha

Psychotherapist

Answered over 4 years ago

Dear Writer , thank you for writing to us. I understand you feel frustrated and hurt at the lack of expression on your husband's part. It bothers you that despite being in a long distance marriage he puts in no efforts to bond with you. I understand that you want to feel needed and missed. Its natural to want some romance and feel loved in your relationship because it helps build intimacy. Intimacy be it emotional or physical is extremely important in a marriage.
Perhaps being expressive doesn't come naturally to your husband and maybe he feels uncomfortable or awkward to try. Maybe he needs some coaxing to come out of his shell.
A lot of couples go through this problem and it can be worked on provided both partners are willing.
Sometimes partners tend to get a little defensive when we talk about some expectation not being met. Rather than talk about it and work on it, sometimes a partner withdraws from it all together.
Perhaps you can recommend that you both talk about this rather than fight about it and work it out. You can suggest that both of you have to make changes in order to communicate better. Try saying you are committed to him so how about taking it one day at a time because both of you are hurting.
Talk about counselling and him writing to me here. I am here to help.
Please do message back to continue our discussion. Regards

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