When we exchange the vows at our wedding ceremony, we expect it to last as promised. Forever. Yet, according to some research, around 50 percent of all first marriages in the United States today ends with the divorce. Similarly, about 60 percent of second marriages in this country doesn’t survive.
Compared to the US, India, for example, has a relatively low divorce rate of 13 in 1000. The same rate in the United States is 500 per 1000. However, the statistics has changed in countries all over the world for the past few years.
The question is why is this happening? What are the main reasons for the two people to split after such a promising beginning? Let’s look at the ten most common reasons for divorce nowadays.
Communication Problems
We usually think that the prime cause for divorce these days is partner’s infidelity. Nevertheless, some findings suggest that the leading reason for divorce today is not the adultery, but poor communication between partners.
Lack of communication between spouses is now considered the main reason for divorce. It can cause major disagreements and constant arguments. Poor communication in a marriage or relationship leads to frustration and anger.
Here are some of the most common signs of bad communication in a relationship.
Double Message Communication
A person is sending double messages in communication when he or she says one thing, and their face, body and tone of the voice say something completely different. Receiving double messages in communication with your partner can be very stressful, confusing and frustrating.
If your partner is constantly sending double messages, you will most likely develop distrust in them over time. Recurrent double messages usually become expectations and prevent both people in a relationship from expressing their needs.
Talk to your partner openly. They may not be aware of the way they communicate. That is, it is possible that they send this type of a message on sub-conscious level.
“You” Language
Using directives like “You need to”, “You’d better”, “You have to” or “You shouldn’t” include judgment and provoke message receiver’s defensiveness and offence. They usually lead to a “No” as a response. Most of us don’t like to be told what or what not to do.
Furthermore, these messages show a lack of respect for other person’s feeling and needs. With this pattern in communication, you are not getting anywhere. People in a relationship should find other ways to communicate their needs.
Universal Statements
How often did you tell your partner, “You always forget about our anniversary”, “You never clean after yourself” or something similar? Universal statements are declarations that generalize one’s character or behavior in a negative way.
They are often combined with “you” language. Accusing and critical by their nature, universal statements clearly cannot contribute to a good communication with your partner. So, try to avoid them whenever possible.
It is very common for couples today to seek marriage counseling to improve their communication. Experienced relationship counselor can help you make progress in your communication with the partner and restore closeness.
Infidelity
Maybe not the main reason, but definitely one of the most painful ones is an infidelity in a relationship. Finding out that your spouse has been cheating on you leaves you devastated and empty. It causes significant changes in your life and arises many questions. Healing process after an affair is a long and painful one.
Infidelity can include anything from sexual affairs to emotional unfaithfulness and internet affairs. The development of social media increases the temptation that many cannot resist.
Regardless on the type of the affair or the person that’s been adulterous, a marriage counseling can be a wise move to help you restore peace and composure. Visiting couple’s therapist or signing up for online marriage counselling is always a good idea. Whether you and your spouse decide to save your marriage or you choose to end your relationship, you may benefit from it.
Financial Troubles
Money is another huge reason why people get separated. This includes anything from different spending habits to uneven share of money that two people bring into the household.
Struggling with family finances distorts a peace and harmony in a relationship as well. In a modern world, a financial struggle has become one of leading causes for divorce.
Women Becoming Financially Independent
In the patriarchal societies women have been financially dependent for centuries. They were neither educated nor allowed to work. So they had to depend on their husbands after the marriage. Unfortunately, this opened the door for male domination, violence and abuse in many marriages.
Furthermore, a woman wouldn’t be accepted in her parents’ home once she got married, so she usually didn’t have anyone to turn to for help.
With the revolution of economy and technology nowadays along with the numerous feminism awareness campaigns, women have become more economically independent. In addition, a rising number of parents decides to invest in their daughters’ education today. They also encourage female children to look for employment upon completing the education.
Therefore, a woman has become more financially independent over the last decades and thus able to choose for herself. Even in the countries with the centuries-long male domination, a woman has come to be able to say no to a bad marriage.
A Woman Earning More Money
Roles are changing in a modern world. More and more women are approaching or surpassing the wages of their partners.
What happens if a woman out-earns her husband? Interestingly, according to some research, he tends to be less involved at home. Some men have a hard time accepting this change in roles. So this can be one of the reasons of family’s dysfunction and divorce eventually.
Lack of Intimacy
If you have a feeling as though you are living with a stranger, it may be because your relationship lacks intimacy. Absence of intimacy may take different forms, so we can talk about the lack of emotional or sexual intimacy.
Therefore, the lack of closeness doesn’t necessarily always include only the couple’s worn sexual life. It can be emotional distance as well. What does the lack of emotional intimacy mean? The lack of trust, little acts of kindness and appreciation missing, poor communication and absence of humor in a relationship are some of the signs that your marriage or relationship lacks emotional closeness.
Physical intimacy often gets strained in a relationship. This leaves one or both partners insecure, frustrated and unsatisfied. The lack of intimacy can easily become the ground for divorce.
Therefore, it is important to put effort to restore your intimacy in a relationship. Practice small acts of kindness and romance. Exchange small gifts or plan nights out together and weekend city-breaks. Spend more time together. Do the things together that both of you enjoy. Remember and reflect the happy times while you were dating.
Seek marriage counselor help to address your intimacy problems in a relationship. If you have grown apart, a relationship counselor may be able to help you restore your intimacy and marriage happiness.
Unrealistic Expectations from a Relationship
Some people enter a relationship or marriage with idealistic expectations that cannot be fulfilled. This leaves them unhappy and frustrated because their partner doesn’t live up to their standards of a relationship. If you have unrealistic expectations from your partner, you will most likely feel let down and disappointed.
Entering Marriage Unprepared
According to some research, idealistic expectations together with being unprepared for a marriage are the most common causes of a high divorce rates among the couples in their twenties.
Young people often enter a marriage without the clear idea about the responsibilities and rights in this form of a relationship. For example, they are not ready to share household chores or duties around the children. Some people have a hard time to distinct themselves from their primary families and let their parents interfere with their marriage.
Or they are not ready to let go of some of single-guy-or-girl habits, like going out with friends too often or staying out of the house until late. Consequently, this leads to shock after the wedding, frustration and misunderstanding.
Background Differences
Differences in the spouses background is also one of the often reasons for divorce. These fundamental differences can include cultural, economic, educational or differences in religious beliefs.
By letting their relationship progress too quickly or getting married to early, people sometimes don’t have time to take all these crucial differences into consideration. Later in a relationship or marriage these dissimilarities become serious obstacle to happiness and often lead to a divorce.
Abuse
One of the main reasons for divorce is abuse. Domestic abuse doesn’t know the continent, the race, financial or social status. It happens in homes across the world every minute. According to Living Without Abuse UK, domestic abuse affects 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men in their lifetime.
If you have been in a situation where your partner has been physically or emotionally abusive or controlling, try to talk to him or her first. Let them know that what they are doing is hurting you. However, in many cases of domestic abuse, an open conversation is impossible. In that case, consider seeking psychological counseling as well as legal help.
Emotional Abuse
A man is usually considered the abuser in an intimate relationship. However, numerous studies show that women and men are equally abusive in a relationship. Emotional abuse usually includes control and domination, intimidation, verbal abuse, manipulation that eventually crashes the victim’s sense of self-worth and confidence.
Physical Abuse
On the other hand, physical abuse may include any deliberate act of harming other person physically. If your partner has been hurting you in any way, you may be the victim of domestic violence and abuse and you need to seek help.
Signs that You are in an Abusive Relationship
The most obvious sign that you are in an abusive relationship is fear of your partner. Do you feel afraid or helpless? Have a feeling that you are walking on eggshells most of the time around your spouse? Does your partner sees you as a sex object and a property rather than a person? These may be some of the signs that you are in an abusive relationship and that you need to look for help.
The first thing you should do, though, is removing yourself from a harming situation. Make sure you are physically safe before you take any further steps.
Every relationship has ups and downs. Relationship is a process rather than a state. In this process the two people grow and develop together. Many obstacles emerge on that way, however. Sometimes couples cannot overcome them and they decide to divorce.
Many people decide to reach out for marriage counseling after they decide to choose a divorce as a solution to their problems in marriage. Either traditional or online couple’s therapy can be a good decision if you want to find the less harming way to end your relationship and make a divorce experience as painless as possible.
