How to talk about sex and sexual abuse with your kid

It is incredibly challenging as well as uncomfortable to talk about sex and sexual abuse with your child, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, the reality of our world today is that girl children have a 1 in 4 chance and boy children have a 1 in 6 chance of being sexually abused.

As parents, we receive messages from medical authorities and the media about sexual abuse of children and the need to make them aware of “good touch” and “bad touch.” But it isn’t as simple as that.

Sex itself is a taboo in our society and the act is treated as something to be ashamed of and talked about in whispers. So, bringing up the topic with our children and explaining how some people could hurt them sexually is tougher.

However, it has to be done if we want to prevent our children from becoming fodder for pedophiles. Here’s how:

1. Start talking to children as young as 2 years about their “private parts.”

A 2-year-old is too young, you may think. But, perverts abound everywhere and have abused very young children. Besides, if you use age-appropriate language with children, they are quick to learn. Begin by teaching your child what his or her “private parts” are.

You could explain that private parts are the portions of the body that are covered by underwear or a swimsuit. Such instruction should be incorporated in the child’s daily routine, such as during a bath or when changing clothes.

Use the correct names for “private parts” so that an adult can identify what the child is talking about if he or she tries to report abuse. Do not use “cute” names because it tends to confuse the child. It is important to teach the child about the anatomical parts of both genders so that they can identify unsafe acts.

2. Talk to them about safe vs. unsafe acts instead of good vs. bad acts.

The problem with teaching children about “good” touch versus “bad” touch is that sometimes, a good touch may feel bad and a bad touch may feel good. For instance, when a doctor touches a child to give him or her an injection on the buttocks, it hurts and the child may think that it is a “bad” touch. On the other hand, if an adult fondles a child’s private parts inappropriately, he or she may like it and classify it as a “good” touch.

Teach your child that a “safe” touch is when a parent or a trusted adult touches his or her private parts with the intention of keeping them clean and healthy.

Give her examples so that he or she is not confused. In turn, ask him or her to give examples so that you’re sure that he or she has understood correctly.

An “unsafe” touch is when an adult, who could be a relative or a family friend, touches his or her private parts and makes him or her feel uncomfortable or hurts him or her. Stress that it could also feel good but it is still an “unsafe” touch because it is not done to keep the area clean or healthy.

3. Explain to them that a secret can still be a secret if told to the parents.

Often, an abuser will tell a child that he or she must keep his act a secret because his or her parents will be upset or angry if they know about it.

Emphasize that you will never be angry, upset, or judgmental if your child comes to you to report sexual abuse.

Tell him or her that parents can also keep secrets and if somebody asks him or her to keep what happened to her a secret, he or she must immediately tell his or her parents or a trusted adult.

Designate one or more trusted adults apart from the parents who the child can come and talk to because the parents are not always with the child. For instance, at day care or in school.

4. Tell the child that nobody has the right to hurt his or her “private parts.”

Teach your child that his or her private parts are special and he or she has a right to say “no” if somebody tries to hurt them or touch him or her in a way that makes him or her feel uncomfortable.

Do not force him or her to hug or kiss people at social events if he or she does not want to. This will impress upon him or her that he or she has control over what happens to his or her body and he or she is free to protest if he or she does not like what is happening to him or her.

What is important is that you tell your child that it is never their fault that somebody abused him or her. It is always the abuser’s fault.

Such conversations should be ongoing and should be carried out as a part of normal, daily life. This will have the greatest impact on the child and will not scare him or her into thinking that all strangers are out to hurt him or her.

Still unsure how to handle such conversations with your child? Ask a free question anonymously to our online parenting experts at AskMile!