I don't think I'm depressed, but I'm perpetually sad. I'm almost cherophobic, I'm scared to be happy. I used to be a straight-A student up until grade 12th. I got accepted into a really really great college and I met a guy in my class and we became great friends. During this time, I had been dating my school best friend for the last 3 years (mostly long distance). Since I always thought of him as a best friend and not boyfriend, our break up was inevitable. I then went on to date this guy from my class. 2 months into our relationship, he'd gone for a college party (and I was out of town) where he "got super super high and drunk" (that's what he tells me) and he ended up kissing the slut of the party (he was her third kiss or whatever of the night). He texted me immediately after it happened and tried his level best to apologise and win me back. I conceded about a week later.
Not only because I had come to really really like him, but also because to move on from him, I'd gone ahead and made out with my ex (after my debaucherof a boyfriend had left the city to be home with his family for the holidays). But there was the difference. I didn't tell him. He found out the next month after college started on reading my texts with my ex. I had to obviously tell him what happened. But I didn't. I made up stories and I lied about having been super drunk and only having kissed him once. A few months past, we were on the phone at 3:00 am and I told him that I had made out with my ex. He cried over the phone, blah blah blah, everything was okay.
But I wasn't satisfied. Looking back, I think I was still unhappy with the fact that I got cheated on and the boyfriend seemed to think of my cheating as "revenge". It didn't hurt him like it hurt me because the score was 1-1 now. We were even. According to him, I did it to get even.
No, I didn't. I did it because I was sure I was going to break up with the fool back then. I had had feelings for the ex. Ex had feelings for me too. It was a win-win-loss. I stayed out of my inexplainable liking for this boyfriend and because I thought I was strong enough to move on now that I had done my dirty deed.
But one day, about 3 months after I told him about the making out, he had come to my place to surprise me on our 10 month anniversary (the vacations were on and he isn't from my city). That day, when he was there, the ex called me to talk. I had started talking to the ex I had made out with normally again. I had started talking to him because I liked to. He is my senior and I learned a great deal from him. And also, my boyfriend was incommunicado when he went home because his parents didn't like him being on the phone (Okay...?)
The ex and I rarely engaged in flirting in our conversations, but when the boyfriend saw the ex calling, he lost it, obviously. He screamed and cried and fought with him and ended up calling the ex and fought with him too. Finally, after about 3 days of him treating me the way I had treated him back when he had screwed up, he was okay. And I was okay too. He had said all the things I had Thought to myself back then (Why me? What had I done wrong? Why am I not enough?) I think it's wise to point out here that I never cried about this in front of him because I didn't want the boyfriend to know that I was deeply in love with him and his act of cheating had broken me into pieces.
Today, it's almost going to be a year since he kissed another girl and we went into this rigmarole of drama. But I'm still not happy. I love him, I think about him a lot, I care about his well being and we've had great memories so far and yada yada yada. But I can't deny what I have become with him. I used to be this strong person who was completely against cheating and would have left the guy there and then. I didn't, and to this day, I feel like I cheated on my principles to be with this guy. Clearly, I became the worst version of myself after that point. All this making out with ex and lying about it and going on to normally speak to the ex - that's not me. I am not that bad a person. But I became one - all because my tiny little world shook after that one call from the boyfriend that night. I'm not happy with him, his acts irritate the hell out of me, I am super insecure about our relationship and I have zero trust in him. I Engage in sometimes going through his texts and my mind is always going to the worst of places if he's not taking my call, or if he hasn't come online. I wasn't like this. I had been in a beautiful long distance relationship with another guy for 3 years. It's true that he was my best friend and I didn't really love "love" him, but I was hardly ever insecure. Because of this insecurity, my grades have dropped, I've become very irritable around other people, I've lost my confidence and I feel like I've lost my precious principles along the way. I don't know what to do. I have to take this very important entrance exam next year (exactly 365 days from today) and I don't know how I'm going to do anything with the way things are now.
