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Selfish husband sees only his side, never feels for me. I feel miserable and helpless!

Asked by Female, 31, Married

My husband and I have been married a year and a half. Yet I feel he doesn't know or understand me. I feel my issues, feeling, etc, only matter to me. He only sees his side, never mine. If the problem I have doesn't affect him or make him feel uncomfortable then it's no problem. He only wants to fix surface stuff if anything gets fixed at all. We never solve the real problem. Any ideas I have to try something different gets rejected or only talked about. We talk sometimes and I think we have a plan of action but he never hits the play button. I'm miserable please help me.

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Answer

Komal

Counseling Psychologist

Answered almost 4 years ago

I sense your pain and hurt in not having your husband understand you and it sounds like you do not feel he is bothered about you unless it does not bother him. You seem to find it difficult to have a meaningful relationship with him. You long for his commitment to you and to this relationship but his surface level efforts leave you feeling disappointed and helpless.

One marries in the hope of building a future 'together' and it seems though as if your husband either isn't aware of your needs and expectations of this marriage or that he is not entirely committed to fulfilling his part in it.

Whatever the reason be, in my opinion, it would help for you to first talk to him about what you expect of this marriage and of him. Help him to understand how and what he can do to uphold that. Talk about how not being able to meaningfully communicate in this marriage is getting to you and to this relationship and help him see what it would look like a few years down the road.

Alongside, it would also help you to explore what is keeping him from being able to do so. It is work or about the way he is or anything else. We learn about relationships from what we observe in the people around us in our earliest years, primarily our parents/ primary caregivers.

Also, while talking, remember that you both are on the same team and not against each other. So there's no his side or your side, unless you both really aren't together. Help him see that your side is his side and help him believe that his side is yours. While proposing ideas, it might help to observe your choice of words, the tone, etc. Pay focus to what you intend to tell him. For instance, saying "You never understand me or consider my needs!" it helps to say "I like it when you make efforts to understand me (state an instance where he did) and it hurts me when (an instance where his words/actions made you feel that he does not consider your needs)".

It would help if both of you could go in for couple's counselling.

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