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Unable to leave unfaithful and unsupportive husband although financially independent

Asked by Female, 37, Married

Hi, I married the love of my life 15 yrs back, we have a 13 year old son, I have always loved him but for him love is serving him like maid...he had a sex with our kaamwali Bai behind my back for 1.5yrs when I used to go to office and finally I caught him..thr his behaviour 6 yrs back...but I forgave him as that Bai was always flirtatious with other people also and he begged me to forgive him and promised he will do whatever needed to keep me happy thereafter..also our son was 7 yrs old at that time...but good behavior was not for long again started behaving as nothing had happened ..started drinking more...breaking promises to improve again n again...creating scene at home after drinking...I am financially independent and actually it's me who take care all our expenses currently..and also the house we stay in is my mother's gift to me...I am in no way dependent on him and now my son is also fed up with is ever changing behavior and is ok if we seperate...still I don't understand why it's so difficult for me to let go of him...pls help me and guide me on how I can get rid of the feelings for him as I know I am in a toxic relation n he does not love me at all but don't know how to forget him...I want to divorce him but unless I remove him from my heart it will be difficult

Answer

Chandni Gandhi

Counselling Psychologist

Answered almost 5 years ago

Dear lady,

i am glad to know that financial dependence is not the reason for you to hold onto your relationship, however there is something because of which you still holding to it after him cheating you sexually with another women, please write down what makes you hold on to it? it may be difficult to write this down in midst of all that you are going through however it will give you clarity on what makes you stay

your description also mentions how you forgave him about him cheating on you, so if you forgave how does that incident resurfaces after so long when others things are going wrong, like him drinking and creating nuisance at home? or to forgive him you had set an criteria for him to do everything as you would wish? reflecting upon if it was conditional and if so, since the time he is not full-filling these conditions, you have started feeling cheated and betrayed again will help you understand your relationship with him better, if so you may want to consider other ways of processing your emotions which arouse from him cheating on you and then make a fresh start.

you also mentioned increase in his drinking followed by inapt behaviour, i would highly suggest you to visit nearest rehab and if need be help him join one to get over drinking

please be mindful that all these will have negative impacts on your 13 year old, talk to him about the same and if you need any help of how to help him please write us back here or personal question

Hope this will help.

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